Being patient and being present

Hello, it’s been a while. Well a while since I’ve written as me on my own blog.

I’ve spent the last year dabbling in a variety of projects that failed to excite me in the major way I was hoping. In the past year I’ve bought at least 5 different domain names, bought and sold a GoPro, let my guitar collect more dust, and had at least one existential crisis a month. In all honesty, I spent way to much time last year impatiently trying to “find myself.”

Impatience in the unknown.

If you know me then you know patience is not my strong suit. When I get an idea I want to act on it immediately (hence why I have bought so many domain names). I don’t know what it is about post graduate life that makes me so impulsive but for some reason when I want something I want it now. I think this impulsive behavior stems from that fact that, for the first time in my life, I have no real plan for the future. Everything is now.

Growing up it was always easy to know what my next move was because it was laid out before me: learn how to walk, to talk, the alphabet, algebra, take the SAT, go to college, and then get a good job. Sure, I got to add my own style along the way like traveling to Italy solo at age 16 or moving 3,000 miles away for school but for the most part the path was paved for me.

Until now, when I have ventured off into the great unknown. Some could say the next part of the path is paved with getting married, starting a family, and sending my kids down the same path.  And while I think that part of my life will eventually happen, I can’t help but wonder what goes on in between?

Finding yourself.

From what it sounds like everyone says this is the time where you are supposed to be “finding yourself.” From everything I read and heard, this is the time where you figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Two things I was determined to figure out ASAP.

Unfortunately last year I let the fact that I felt like I hadn’t found myself consume my everyday thoughts.  So much so that my poor family and friends had to hear nothing but about how unhappy I was. How lost I felt. How much I felt like I needed find myself. I met so many amazing people and had so many awesome adventures last year and yet I spent the majority of the time either talking about or thinking about how much I needed to make a change so I could “find myself”.

To those who dealt with my compulsive obsession with finding whatever I thought I needed to find: I apologize from the bottom of my heart and appreciate you all for still loving me. 

Be patient but also be present.

If this past year has taught me anything it’s that I need to be okay with the unknown. As much as I want to be sure as to who I am, to know fully what my dreams, beliefs, and fears are; I have to accept that I am not supposed to have all the answers. I have to be patient and know that I may never figure it all out and that is perfectly okay. And most importantly, I need to be present. Being present not only means enjoying the moments around me but also being aware, picking up on sublte queues and appreciating the lessons I learn. 

“How wild it was, to let it be” -Cheryl Strayed 


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